i'm tired

i debated about even making this a post. but then i figured, hey, i started this blog to be able to chronicle my thoughts and feeling about the journeys we take in life, so why not. i will be very honest and personal here.

i'm tired. not just physically, but emotionally too. i'm tired of pretending that all is well when people ask how i am. i wish i could just be straightforward and say "well, today is yet another day i feel like permanently leaving this place called Earth. i'd rather be in Heaven with Jesus and my mother instead of right here". because those thoughts cross my mind-alot. times when i may have a smile on my face and even laughing, but deep down feel the most lonely and misearable a person could feel, mentally going to that "happy place" to escape the world around me. though, my "happy place" isnt really happy. its devoid of any feeling at all,really. just a neutral place my mind wanders to, kinda like an empty room with no distractions or emotions. i've been going to that place more and more lately. if i cant physically escape, then thats the next best thing. people say suicide is selfish. i can understand that in a way. i'd be sad to leave behind my friends, and family. especially my birds, wierd as that sounds. but let me tell you,when you look around and just cant take anything anymore, the option of not having to deal with life is more and more appealing.

i'm tired of the medical coding course i'm doing. i'm so close to finishing, and yet all i want to do is take the books and burn them. i have zero motivation to finish. i'm like a litle kid who keeps dragging their feet when they dont want to go somewhere they know they have to go.

i'm tired of working at a place where i feel so unappreciated and stressed. even though cutting to part time has helped in that department, there is only so much a person can take when working there. the other day i had such a bad day that on the way home i just wanted to hit somebody. just ram my car into someone. yell at someone. whatever it took. but did i? of course not. instead i came home, hung out with my birds, and went to the "happy (or should it be called neutral?) place" in my mind and calmed down.

i'm tired of illness. first my mom dies from cancer, then my dad is diagnosed with prostate cancer, and recently my step-mom had a mini-stroke and is still feeling the effects of that. meanwhile i've been seeing doctors to figure out whats going on with me, but all the while not really getting anywhere and still feel like they are missing something.

but the most disturbing thing i feel right now is the lack of motivation to look to Him for answers and motivation. i think to myself, did Jesus ever feel this way? did Jesus ever feel so lonely? i know that on the cross Jesus felt like God had foresaken him. i dont feel like he has foresaken me, i feel like i've forsken myself. my Christian upbringing would say that Jesus was always in communion with the Lord, and so in order to get over these hurdles i've got to get in tune with God. my Christian upbring would say that He never leaves us, we are the ones who turn away from Him. and i'd have to agree with that. so why am i so despondant? what is in my way? why the lack of desire to read, pray, and commune with God?

i wish i could just stay in bed all day. sleep away all the negative thoughts. reason tells me that in order to be healthy i need to get up, face things, exercise, eat healthy, etc. but i'm telling you-without any desire to do so, those things seem like huge rocks in my path.

so this may be a whiny post. but you know what? i dont care. i'm tired of what others think. tired of pretending what i really feel. but tomorrow will come, i'll get out of bed, and put on that happy face and pretend that all is well.