i debated about posting what i'm about to say because its very personal. but then a person honked at me recently when i wouldnt cross the intersection quick enough for them and for some reason tonight it made me upset.
most of you may not know this, but i live in fear that i am going to be attacked. i'm very serious. i dont know how it started (though i have a clue which i'll discuss later) but my paranoid mind keeps me alert so much of the time and i'm starting to get tired of it.
i've always been a light sleeper. but at night i am always jostled awake by sounds that i percieve as someone trying to break into the house. i constantly look at the bedroom doorway to make sure nobody is standing there waiting to get me. when chris is home i usually feel a bit safer, but it sill happens. forget about me sleeping when he's gone on a trip or something. when i enter my car i fear that there is someone hiding in the backseat that will jump out and get me. even when i've been driving for several minutes and i know things are safe my mind will play the attack scenerio. i dont like going for walks by myself for fear something bad is gonna happen to me. when i'm driving i picture another car hitting me.
as i've said i'm not sure where this comes from. but i do recall that the summer my mother died it was the worst ever. i was living in an apartment all by myself, my roomate was at her home for the summer. me and chris had broken off our relationship. and my best friend-my mom-was gone. i was mad at God and refused to seek comfort there. i would have times where i would just sit on the couch in my living room and cry hysterically. i felt so incredibly alone in my heart and soul, despair of my entire being. whenever these anxiety atacks happened at night, which it often did, i would freak out because in the midst of the tears i thought the red lights i saw were eyes of someone looking back at me waiting to pounce and so i would freak out even more. (of course it was only the clock). seriously folks, those were some of my darkest times.
anyway, these days i know enough to know that the clock isnt going to get me! but yet that feeling like something or someone is...well, its not fun. and so yes, when i have to cross an intersection i prob wait alot longer than most people, just to be very very safe its clear, and the guy behind me will honk. well, too bad mister.
2 comments:
I understand what you mean. At times, I just want to go back to them and say, "You come drive my car and I will come back here and honk your horn":):):) I have the same feelings. I think in today's world we all have feelings that someone is out to get us or attack us and no wonder with road rage and break ins. I think that it is our inner self keeping us aware and safe. If we were non-challant about it then we open ourselves up to attack. This goes spiritually as well as physically. God is here and will see us through as long as we keep our faith in Him.
An answer - the only one I know to give...
So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”
Heb 13.6
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