Mood Altering Drugs

no, i'm not talking about the illegal kind (although, anybody got some?? i'm willing to try...wait-did i say that out loud?) seriously though i'm talking about anti-depressants. a few years ago my family doctor put me on some in order to stabolize my extreme mood swings when it came to "that time of the month".. i started out with Lexipro, but there were too many negative side effects for me, so i switched to Zoloft and that worked well...for awhile. I think i took it for about a year and a half. i began to notice that not only was i not having drastic mood swings, but i was pretty much not feeling anything at all. very much numb to the world. i didnt like that, so i decided to take myself off of it. i never realized how much emotions a person can feel, until emotions are absent.

its been almost 2 years, i'd say, since i was on any medication. i've teetered-tottered up and down but havent really had any major situations in that time frame since....until a few weeks ago. i always told myself, when my thoughts went to the "bad place" ,that the feelings would be over soon, and life would be back to normal. this usually worked. except i too scared myself this month. i was so tired and overwhelmed with life and honestly felt like there was no hope whatsoever, nobody understood, and so what was the point in living. i totally withdrew from everyone and everything.

i can't say that i'm completely over it now, but i think i am able to be a bit more objective at this moment. all i know is that i dont want to be that deep again. so i think i'm gonna try the antidepressants again. i have nothing against taking medication for that. i just dont want to be so numb again that i dont feel anything at all. when i told my doctor that i was gonna go off them because i thought i'd be fine she said that some people just chemically need that extra seratonin whether or not they feel fine. she said a diabetic might feel fine, but physiologically they still need the insulin to survive. same with depression... its a chemical/physiological reaction, not just a mood.

so once our health insurance is straightened out i will make another doctor appointment. sometimes i think its probably a blessing i don't have children...