ready to write

i have had alot of thoughts roaming around in my head for awhile, but when i tried to sit and write them down it never seemed to come together. i think now i'm ready. ready to be real. so here goes:

1) the gym/fitness goals: awhile back i was going to the gym alot and starting a plan to be able to run a 5K. then my knee and leg starting hurting and i decided to rest for a bit. well, its time now to go back. i have been pain free for several months which i think is due to the resting and also that my friend bought me a pair of Sketchers Shape-Ups which i have been wearing. they are amazingly good! tons of support that my other shoes did not provide. so that being said, this week i have started back at the gym. chris has graciously offered to watch caitlin on monday and wednesday evenings so that i can have some time to myself and go work out. but this time around i am taking it slow. for the first month or so i'm just gonna do the treadmill for 30 min. i'm not worried about my speed or distance. next month i'll see where things stand, how i feel, and make a new plan. maybe increase the time, or add some weights. one month at a time. i still really want to be able to run, but i'm not gonna over do it at first and hurt myself again. besides, after all those doctor visits, mri's, etc i dont think i can afford to again!

2)food/appearance: so we spent christmas with family in FL. and of course that included taking lots of photos. well, i couldnt believe how bad i look in those photos. i hate the way i look now. i know that i need to loose alot of weight, but the thing is, honestly i'm not motivated. i'm not motivated to watch everything i eat, keep a food diary, or become a calorie/points counter. that just doesnt work for me. believe me, i've tried. its a catch 22 really cause for me i've discovered that food is comforting. i turn to it when i'm mad, frustrated, sad, stressed..you name it. i know the right thing to do is replace the food with something else, some other activity, etc. but i just havent figured out a substitute yet. i see photos of myself when i was pregnant, and that time was actually one of the most healthiest times in my life. why? because i knew that whatever i ate it was affecting my baby (esp since i was being treated as a person with gestational diabetes due to my PCOS issues)..so i was very careful how and what i ate. i felt good. caitlin was my motivation. and i know that even now i need to be healthy cause i want to be an outgoing,cool mom with her. i know this in my head, that i need to make some changes. but its a daily struggle to follow through. so this year, as with the exercise, i'm taking it slow. little changes at a time. i want it to be something i'll stick with so that i'll be motivated to keep going. for example, i will eat salad for a meal 4x a week.

3)God/Jesus: i used to be, as they say "on fire" for God. back in high school, and especially college, i was thriving in my relationship with Jesus. then something happened a year after i graduated college (mom dying) and my spiritual life has never been the same. there are days i question my faith, struggle with the resentment,anger and grief of her death (even still now almost 12yrs later), and wonder if God is real then why did He let this happen? and then there are days when i feel numb, like it doesnt matter one way or the other. and then there are some days when i actually still believe and sense that i truely am not alone. what i want most of all is joy. deep down true joy. the kind i felt when things were right spiritually. the assurance and not only head knowledge but heart knowledge that if i were to die today i would be in His presence. sometimes at church i look around and wish i had what they had. sometimes i feel like an outsider. and then sometimes i am hit so hard by Him during worship that i can't stop crying. its so frustrating knowing what it felt like to have things so right but can't quite get back there again on a continual basis. some people believe 'once saved, always saved' and i sure do hope thats true. so my prayer this year is to find consistancy and joy.

4) job/finances: as with most people these days finances are very tough. there have been a couple times when i honestly thought we were going to be homeless. that is a very scary place to be in. and so i question my role as a stay at home mom...is it worth it? should i be working a real paying job? but obviously if i did that i'd have to pay for child care. and thats so darn expensive! besides, if i'm gonna work just to pay childcare i might as well stay home and look after my daughter myself! i tell ya, being a stay at home mom is the toughest job i've ever had. period. i'm trying to not get so frustrated when caitlin gets into stuff she shouldnt and try to see things from her perspective. the way things look she will prob be our only child, so i want to enjoy every single moment i have before its gone. but sometimes i feel guilty, that i should be adding to the checkbook, like i'm not contributing.

5)making this house a home: i know we have only been in our new house a little over a month, but it still doesnt feel like a home to me. sadly, as we were driving home from FL, i pictured us pulling into the driveway of our old house and unloading our stuff there. its not that i dont like our new house, because i really do. i guess its just gonna take some time to make it feel like home. we were in the other house for 7 years, thats where caitlins life began, and other milestones. i know this house will hold some special milestones too and eventually i'll think of it the same way. but for now i'm trying whatever i can to speed up that process!

ok, so there you have it. me being real with myself (and whoever else is reading this!). i actually feel better having put words and order to my mismatched thoughts. now that they are written down i hope the action steps will follow.